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Stocking Stinkers
Stocking Stinkers
What do you buy for the man (or woman) who has everything? Or, what do you buy for that irritating dullard that you are duty-bound to present with a gift. You'd rather buy their better-half a self-help guide to finding the perfect partner but, unfortunately, that's not an option... so what's the answer?
Not to worry, I am nothing if not helpful.
When searching for stocking stinkers, I found myself in many virtual cul-de-sacs with the usual examples of technicolour cardigans and bland bath salts parading as the unimaginative favourites. But I think I have come up trumps.
Strangenewproducts.com is an aptly named treasure trove of the weird and wonderful products available from all over the world. As you would expect, many hail from the US, but others are sourced from Slovakia, China, Taiwan, Australia and even here in the UK. Some products are inspired whilst others are simply bizarre but I'll let you be the judge of which is which.
A word of warning. Web Watch does not recommend, or endorse, any of the following products. If you buy, be it on your own head! And I should also mention that the site is peppered with a few 'adult' products. Some of them are hilarious but don't go browsing through with your 5 year old on your knee unless you are prepared to answer some very tricky questions.
Here's a few favourites specially chosen for pre-watershed viewing:
H2Om
Do you know someone who is a bit highly strung? Maybe someone who could spontaneously combust at any moment? Then H2Om may be the perfect gift.
H2Om Water (merging of H2O and the word "Om") is bottled water allegedly infused with the healing energies of music and the spoken word.
Apparently, under a microscope, water exposed to loving words and music showed brilliant, complex crystallized patterns at near freezing temperatures. In contrast, polluted water, or water exposed to negative thoughts and words, formed incomplete, asymmetrical patterns. How does the water gets infused with words and music? Here's how:
- First, the label contains words and pictures designed to energize the water with good vibrations.
- Second, after the bottling process, they play sounds and music designed to do more of the same.
- Third, when you drink it, you're supposed to think of good things. "Think it while you drink it".
It's Yoga in a bottle!
CLAmor - Spray-on Weight Loss
Tired of having to starve yourself just to drop those pounds? Well now you can just spray it off! Apparently.
CLAmor is a weight-loss supplement that you spray on your food. It uses Clarinol - CLA as its main ingredient. Clarinol is allegedly "scientifically proven" to aid the body in shrinking fat cells. When CLAmor is sprayed onto food, the body metabolizes CLA after the food is digested, and CLA begins to perform its magic. The company says that many of its users saw results in as little as four weeks.
CLAmor comes in four delicious flavors, butter, olive oil, garlic, and plain. Spray it on your french fries, spray it on your ice cream, spray it in your coffee! Start spraying your way into shape!
Epicare Facial Hair Threading
This sounds painful to me! But, if you've got the bare-faced cheek, this is a fine present for the person who has a spot of trouble with unwanted facial hair. Shaving, plucking and waxing all become obsolete when you "thread" it off with the Epicare Facial Hair Threader.
Epicare says you just bend the spring as shown, turn the handles inwards and outwards with the spring against your face, and it pulls them all off, even the peach fuzz.
The technology is said to date thousands of years ago in Asia, involving actual cotton threads that were twisted back-n-forth over the skin and snagging the hairs in the process. Expensive salons still use the technique, but require special skills to prevent cutting the skin.
The Epicare Threader doesn't use any thread, but still takes advantage of the same principle in a device that's safe to be used even by a 10 year old.
Diaper Harness for Doggies
The STA-ON diaper (nappy) harness is used to keep diapers on dogs, whether young puppies, untrained adult dogs, or elderly incontinent dogs.
The idea is the invention of Dorrie Krenkel, who grew tired of diapers that kept falling off of her dachshund, Bucky.
The harness is intended to work with babies' diapers (you just poke a hole to pull the tail through), and you can get the harness in a variety of colors. They sell for $12.95 for the smallest size to $16.95 for the largest.
What next?
Anti-Hemorrhoidal Toilet Paper
Talking of the bootom area, "Hemo Roll", a product of Slovakia, is a loo paper infused with herbal compounds that are claimed to help prevent hemorrhoid inflammation with continued use. According to the product's website: The coloured side of a piece of Hemo-Roll tissue paper contains a herb micro-layer of an extract from oak bark, marigold and common yarrow, with easeful effects on rectum.
You know what it sound like to me...
Teen Driver Tracking System
Personally, I think this product is a recipe for disaster. If you don't remember being a teenager, then think harder! Just how would you have felt if your parents fitted a tracker system to your car? Discrete Wireless, Inc., which makes GPS-based tracking systems for car dealers, announced today of its new GPS-based tracking system for teen-drivers.
Now, parents can track where their teenagers are driving to. The system works by hiding a GPS-device inside a vehicle. Parents can then log into a secure website to see where that vehicle is travelling to, along with how fast the car is travelling, and what times. Thus, they can tell if junior skipped school during the middle of the day, or if he drove well over the speed limit, or drove to someplace he wasn't supposed to.
The system will also send alerts by text messages or e-mail.
Don't do it!
Pierced Eyeglasses
James Sooy has developed a new pair of eyeglasses that mounts into the bridge of your nose, via piercing.
Dubbed, "Pierced Glasses", they offer people who are already pierced a practical use for their love of body art.
This one is currently on its way to the consumer market.
Sideways Printed Books
A book publisher has come up with the idea of printing text sideways on the page so that readers can lie in bed on their side and read at the same time.
They've republished all the old classics, Huckleberry Finn, Dracula, Wuthering Heights, ... basically any book that is out of copyright.
It's supposed to relieve neck and back pain associated with reading normal books in bed. As I have not invested my pennies in this lateral thinking solution, I can't vouch for its effectiveness, but my neck ache is reaching for my wallet as I write!
I apologise profusely to all those people who believe that mid-November is still too early to be thinking Christmas. For some reason, I am really looking forward to Christmas this year. I have no logically reason for this highly unusual state of affairs. I haven't just given birth. I haven't just fallen in love. And I don't have a chimney. It can only be the onset of pathological madness.
Jacqueline Alexander
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